Close, But No Cigar - Pt. 2
If you haven’t read Pt. 1 yet - catch up by clicking here!
Surrender is super tough. Especially when other people are brought into the story. I took a chance by posting something on Facebook about it—something I never do when it comes to stuff like this.
It was difficult to do anything productive the rest of the day. For some reason, this experience felt different than any I’d ever had. Was it the involvement of my Facebook friends? Was it the outpouring of love and prayers of my family and close friends who were so excited, and maybe even a little convinced that I would get the part? I felt very vulnerable. Exposed. Not that I’d let anybody down if I don’t get it, but how does it affect people’s view of God when they, heck…when I…pray for something, and it doesn’t happen? I also thought about how smart God would be to make this happen, because of the residual benefit it’d provide to my music ministry. Come on, God…right?
While the texts kept coming into my phone: How did it go? I laid sideways on my bed, trying to process some of these thoughts in my journal. I had just read Matthew 17 that morning where Jesus says, “If you had a mere kernel of faith, a poppy seed, say, you would tell this mountain, ‘Move!’ and it would move. There is nothing you wouldn’t be able to tackle.”
My response: God increase my faith. Help me see how intricately involved you are in my life, and how much more you desire to be!”
But that afternoon, I had a bit of a breakthrough. I wrote… God, you are so good to me. I’m strangely at peace. I’m surrounded by people who care for me, and are cheering for me. I’d love to glorify you through this job, Lord…to say HOORAY, we did it! You love me and you are with me. I’m asking you for favor to get this job. I want to have crazy faith that says, “Yes, God, you hear me, and will act on my behalf. But either way, I know you’re going to make a choice.”
This is up to God—and I can’t believe I’m saying that. I’ve heard people talk this way my whole life, but to really accept, no…believe…that whether I get this job or not is up to God seems a bit radical, a bit otherworldly. I continued…
God, this is your choice. And I will trust you, no matter your decision. Then one of my songs came to mind…the last song I wrote for my Christmas CD—one that I sang for people all across the country just a couple months ago. And now it’s something I’m really wanting to believe for myself:
“I can’t wait to see what you have for me! I know it’s gonna be good. Because you love me more than I know. It’s gonna be something good.”
—from “Something Good”
If it is indeed God’s choice, I can live with either decision. Show or no show. Crazy faith says God is deeply involved in every aspect of my life—if it’s rainy or sunny, riches or famine. I will choose to do the best I can with all I’ve been given, then I will leave the rest to Him, not chance. And it’s gonna be good.
Next Facebook post 2/29/12: Thank you my friends for all the prayers and encouragement. It went fantastic. And is now in God’s hands. And the director’s.
I love my friend Joe’s hilarious response. He’s a director himself, well familiar with the process. He wrote: That’s the same thing, Mark…
Next day’s journal entry - Thursday 3/1/12: I feel like I can breathe a bit easier today. My pastor Thomas once talked about a bell being rung in the tower of a church as an illustration of forgiveness. But I believe it also relates to this situation. Once I let go of the rope that I’ve been pulling on to make the bell ring, it’s going to take a little while before the bell actually stops ringing. Waking up this morning, the bell isn’t ringing as loudly as it was before. I can actually imagine getting through this situation, even if I never hear from “Nashville” again.
My sister sent me an awesome text this morning: jes’ rest in his love 2day won’t you? It’s a reference to a song I wrote 20 years earlier called “Rest In His Love.” And it’s exactly what I needed to hear. I went through the day. Went for a good jog. Watched some TV.
Then about 9:30 that night, my agent called. Her voicemail said: “Mark, this is Evelyn. Kim just called me and you have a callback tomorrow. Sometime between 12:30 and 2:30 with the director. He just called her. I’ll give you more information when I get it. Thank you Mark.”
I can’t explain what that felt like.
But I bet you can imagine. I started crying. It was tears of joy, relief, excitement, gratitude. I called my sister. And my parents. And started to go over my lines again. And then I turned up the music and started dancing around my bedroom.
“We’re going to party, kalamu, fiesta, forever. Come on and sing along!
All night long (all night), All night (all night).”
Part 3 - the callback…read all about it by clicking here!