I'm A Control Freak
“Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you want to be.”
—Thomas A. Kempis
I’m a fixer. A problem solver. Just ask my parents. I love the challenge of facing a problem they’re having with their computers, phones, tablets, TVs, etc. and finagling (and googling!) my way through to a solution. I’ve also used my finagling skills to create and maintain my own business as a creative entrepreneur for almost three decades. Yup, I really enjoy being resourceful!
But what I’ve been learning about myself is that my love of fixing things has carried over into how I have viewed myself and (gulp…!) all of my relationships.
Viewing my life as a problem to be solved has made happiness always just out of reach. And viewing other people as problems to be fixed has only pushed people away.
I want to fix everything. And everyone. Because, when everything is fixed, then my life will be smooth sailing. I won’t have anything to worry about or manage. And, probably because I’m not absolutely perfect at fixing myself, most days I find it easier to try to fix other people. It saddens me to no end to think that my personal desire to control or fix has sent subconscious messages to other people that I don’t approve of how imperfect they are: Your mess is the source of my offense. How dare you be a human! If your life wasn’t so messy, my life would be so much better. So, let’s start on you—let’s get your life looking the way I think it should!
Please forgive me.
The happiest people I’ve known are the ones who are able to roll with life’s punches. They don’t see inconveniences and struggles as personal affronts to their self-worth. They don’t feel a need to put every peg into its specific hole. They’re not compulsive I-dotters or T- crossers. They know that while we may never be able to control what happens to us, we can always control how we respond to what happens to us.
My grandma used to say to me, “You can’t determine the hand of cards you’re dealt, but you can decide how you’re going to play them.” Learning how to play the hand that life deals to us may be the most important task we can undertake. But instead of reeling back and aiming a punch at its square-jawed ugly face, the best response may be the extending of grace, love, and forgiveness. And perhaps the person needing this grace the most is you.
Take a second to breathe in…and out...
More than anything, I want us to see the value of accepting things (especially ourselves) the way they are, rather than expending needless mental energy trying to make every circumstance we’re in and every person we’re around be the way we think they should be.
Once we’ve mastered that... Ha! It’s definitely a process. But as we wake up to how we’ve been driving ourselves nuts trying to orchestrate everything, we can then fall into faith, surrender, and acceptance.
This talk of surrender isn’t about giving up on goals and dreams or rolling over and playing dead until the game is over. It’s also not about being weak, letting life bowl us over. It’s actually the opposite. It’s about moving through life with an intentional grace, surrendering to life as it is, accepting people and circumstances as they are, not as we want them to be. And then finding ways to use our passions and energy to insert love and truth into the world, unattached to expectations of how it should all turn out. We do this in order to see more clearly the marvelous in this mystery called life. To draw closer to other people, not further away. To live from our heart, rather than from our head. To not run from that which is messy or complicated, but to see the beauty in it.
How Do We Fix People We Care About? We can’t.
As I learn to relinquish my role as fixer of the human race, I can replace it with an ever-growing faith in other people. Can we trust that the other person is going to be okay without our help? Can we allow them to take responsibility for their own life, the successes and the failures, and remove ourselves from the Savior role that we’ve been convinced was our job? I’m gonna try.
This doesn’t mean we don’t try to help people.
Rachel Naomi Remen in Kitchen Table Wisdom said, “Many times when we help, we do not really serve ... Serving is different from fixing. One of the pioneers of the Human Potential Movement, Abraham Maslow, said, ‘If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.’ Seeing yourself as a fixer may cause you to see brokenness everywhere, to sit in judgment of life itself. When we fix others, we may not see their hidden wholeness or trust the integrity of the life in them. Fixers trust their own expertise. When we serve, we see the unborn wholeness in others; we collaborate with it and strengthen it. Others may then be able to see their wholeness for themselves for the first time.”
We can love people unconditionally, believing that love is what changes a person. Love is what has changed me over the years. Why would it not work with other people? I also have to remind myself that the ways in which my love should change someone is none of my business—that’s God’s business.
I’m currently living in a place of peace and contentment like I’ve never experienced before. I have decided that I’m done with wishing, praying, planning, AND maneuvering to get my life to look the way I think it should. I literally have no idea what’s ahead, and I’m completely okay with it. So I’m just gonna rest, continually letting go of the temptation to try to make my life (and the people in it) into something more or different than it already is. And continually say thank you for all I have.
I believe that’ll keep me busy for a long while.
A PRAYER
Help me sit in the middle of the mess
And be at peace
Knowing my serenity and worth are not found
In anything being fixed and in its right place
Let me see the life bursting through the disorder
And be at peace
Knowing I’m not escaping from anything
But instead, choosing to engage with life
Give me courage to move into the messiness of life
And be at peace
Rejecting isolation and passivity
In order to build relationships and create unity
Grant me wisdom to know what I need to address
And be at peace
Choosing to use love and grace as my tools
To help make the world a better place
Help me be brave enough to live from my heart
And be at peace
Listening to the call from within
To live in new, adventurous ways
Portions of this were taken from my book Losing Control on sale for $9.99 or you can read it for free on my website.
I have always loved this song and its message of surrender. Recorded by Sierra in 1994, “When I Let It Go” was written by Connie Harrington and Wendi Foy Green. I’ve been listening to this whole album while writing this post.
When I let it go
You take my hand and gently lead me
Then You let me know
Just how peaceful my life can be
When I let it go
Your never-ending blessings
Like a river start to flow
When I let it go
If you’ve read this far, thank you! Sometimes I get comments from people who read my writing and feel like I’m living such a troubled life—maybe troubled isn’t the right word. But it’s like the nuance of storytelling is missed due to a lens of literalism. I think it’s fair, in part, because I try to write from such an honest place about my crazy life. But I don’t ever want to leave people focused on me or my issues, questions, or wanderings. I hope that by my sharing honestly, people are better able to put words on their own stories and move into lives marked more by peace, love, joy, and faith…instead of fear, control, or shame. I simply want to be a guide on the path, revealing some of my experiences and insights, with the hope of continually encouraging you down your own path.
I am a control freak!
What a wonderful article! Oh my gosh. “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.’ “. What a fantastic thought. This is something that I will continually think about while I try to change my way of thinking.
But I have a question. I seem to draw people that are hurt and wrecked toward me. They come to me and pour their life out to me, wanting direction and advice, which puts me into that “fix” mode. This makes it hard for me to separate myself from fixing things as the article states because I am a helper and giver. What to do?
Hey Mark, I can’t help but think about my 12-step work for recovery, my nightly inventory where I claim my role in my own discomfort. I seem to always want things different than they are when people are playing the roles I want them to play for my happiness. Owning my selfishness helps me avoid it as I continue in recovery. Thanks for this message.